I today bring you all breaking news, in the announcement that Liverpool football club have broken their own six year old transfer record as they bid to become challengers both domestically and in Europe once again.

The £39million move for Roma’s Mohammed Salah comes only three years after the Reds backed out of a deal for the Egyptian international worth a colossal 28-million-fucking-pounds LESS than what they’re paying now, as new chief executive officer Peter Moore completes his first signing since taking over from the considerably more incompetent Ian Ayre, a week or so after making one of the biggest transfer blunders in Premier League history as he royally screwed up a move for Southampton’s Virgil Van Dijk.

What’s better is that Dave Maddock of the ever reliable Daily Mirror claims Liverpool are set to break their transfer record not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES this window, presumably as they stack up failed “confirmed” moves for the singular Mohammed Salah.

That’s right, Maddock says Liverpool will sign Red Bull Leipzig’s Naby Keita for around £50m, and force through a deal for the aforementioned Van Dijk for £60m, the same player that Liverpool were very nearly punished for tapping up after the Premier League were informed of an illegal pursuit, forcing a rather sheepish apology on the Liverpool website that read as if Southampton had fingers up the arse of the Reds’ principle owner John Henry himself.

So despite the fact that Liverpool’s pursuits of Van Dijk and Keita have been deterred by the law and a literal disinterest in moving respectively, you should all immediately turn on the twitter notifications from the official @LFC account themselves in anticipation of the sound of slot machines paying out as we smash our transfer record thrice, right? WRONGO.

Instead, look forward to a summer transfer window packed with the traditional rumour mill. Mario Gotze? Leonardo Bonucci? Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang? Literally anyone carrying any prestige whatsoever? In the words of Vince McMahon, you’ve got…

Look forward to paying over the odds on the tribunal fee for Dominic Solanke, because he won the U20s World Cup final against a squad of nimble Venezuelan mechanics, who will almost certainly win more acclaim for their day jobs than they ever will in professional football.

Look forward to the dead wood staying, and adding no real strength in depth to the team whatsoever. Look forward to signing the back-up plans: Kalidou Koulibaly instead of Virgil Van Dijk, Leon Goretzka instead of Naby Keita, and Patrick Swayze’s corpse instead of Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang.

Of course, as always, I’m playing the pessimist. Now is probably the best time in recent years to be optimistic about Liverpool’s action in the transfer window, no matter how stupid the Van Dijk saga has made us look. Nevertheless, I am out of patience with Liverpool’s inability to produce the goods in the off-season, and it would take a mere miracle for me to believe any of the bullshit that the tabloid, clickbait, churnalism sites are spouting. Until that day, I can only hope that the almost 40-million-man-Salah will accomplish more for Liverpool than the 11-million-man-Salah produced for Chelsea three years ago.